Father's Day - Crisis Talks

Dad – he’s the one you love and hate all at once. In my case, he’s the one who always puts too much olive oil on his salad. The one who irritates the life out of me every single night when his head starts to wobble from the wine. The one who, just to be awkward, never moves his feet when I’m trying to vacuum the carpet.

But nevertheless, he’s still the one who taught me how to ride a bike, who made me boats out of sand to sit in whenever we went to Blackpool beach, who told me to tear up those flat-pack instructions and just do it your-damn-self - and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone. Not even Bill Gates. In saying that, I still manage a grumble every year when the time comes to buy him a Father’s Day present.

I’ll normally go nuts traipsing around tie shops and DIY stores for a whole day, ultimately heading on over to Waterstones to buy him another Bill Bryson book for him to flick through. It doesn’t matter if he already has it – he’s reaching that age where he could read anything twice and not realise it.

But this year I’m taking strides to better myself and sending him something worthwhile. Besides, if I keep up with the book routine, it will only be so long before he re-organises his collection and realises that he has four identical copies of ‘Notes from a Small Island’.

No, this time I’ll buy something different. Trouble is, I don’t have a clue on Earth what!

So, my friends, I ask you all one thing – what will you be sending to your old man this year? And more importantly – what can I send to mine?!

By the way...

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How NOT to Package a box for delivery

When I want to send a parcel half-way across the globe, or even just a few miles down the road, I’m always overly paranoid that something bad will happen to it during transit. I imagine the box tumbling over, being thrown from one end of the courier vehicle to the other. I can sense the sticky tape peeling away from the edges, its contents splattering in all directions and making a Jackson Pollack of the driver when finally he pulls it from the van. For this reason, I double-tape everything (treble, if I’m in a particularly anxious mood).

Well rest assured, this isn’t going happen - courier transport vehicles are packed in a safe and fool-proof manner – but that certainly doesn’t excuse some of the more ridiculous parcels I’ve had the displeasure – no, make that pleasure – to have come across during my time.

Rule number 1: Less is sometimes more

Believe it or not my friends, this elaborate tangle of duct tape and bin-liners complete with supporting palette (for extra sturdiness), was used to ship a PC cable.

For reasons not quite so obvious to myself, it seems the sender wasn’t taking any chances when it came to the protection of this delicate piece of computer hardware. And I thought I was paranoid.

Rule number 2: Take your time

At the other end of the spectrum, it seems that people will go to extraordinary measures to get a parcel out on time. Bean bag deliverers take heed. I still can’t believe that someone even had the audacity to stand back after taping this up and think, ‘yeah – that should do the trick.’

Rule number 3: Don't let the packaging rule the product

On a slightly lighter note, it's good to see that progress is being made on the shipment of fresh fruit and vegetables...

So there you have it, your quintessential guide on how not to pack a parcel for delivery. If you have any more fool-proof suggestions, please don't hesitate to drop a line and let me know.

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Missing Home Comforts

A friend of mine once told me there was nothing left for him in Great Britain, that it was sucking the very happiness from his core. He despised the food, resented the excessive cost of simply surviving, and dreaded the heavy blanket of grey weather that would undoubtedly cast a weary shadow over the whole nation throughout the year.

I probably don’t need to tell you that it wasn’t too long before he spread his wings and flew the UK nest. Backpack slung over his shoulders, for the next year he travelled from coast to coast, before finally settling down and pounding his weathered flag into Greek soil.

His outlook was simple: Enjoy life to the fullest by taking advantage of any opportunity that crossed your path. He did just that, landing a reasonable job in the construction industry, and setting up home with what some would argue to be a Greek goddess (or so the Polaroids suggested).

For some time, things were going great. Every week I’d find my inbox cluttered with the latest snapshots he’d taken of the Acropolis, of the Parthenon and of himself, scaling sandy shores with his arm draped around his girl. But gradually this would die down, and soon the emails he sent began to take on an entirely different theme.

“Peanut butter!” He said, “And Marmite... I can’t find them anywhere out here, send me some will you?” And wanting to play the good citizen with a bleeding heart, I did. I piled high a hamper full of British foodstuff – Marmite, HP brown sauce, Peanut butter, you name it – and sent it packing some five hundred miles across Europe.

But it didn’t stop there. “I’m going crazy!” He told me, “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve read a book?” And so began a succession of small parcels flying out from the UK to Greece, a book here, a DVD there. But even this didn’t solve his home-comfort-crisis.

“It’s costing me waaay to much to carry on having things shipped over.” - His email read, though he wasn’t quite ready to go on living without those luxurious commodities which were so unfamiliar in Greek territory. But as ever, I offered up what was going to be a very affordable solution.

“Wire me some money every eight weeks or so” I told him, “and I’ll have a courier send it all in one go, that way you’ll only be paying for a shipment once instead of every time you decide you need some UK-love.”

And that’s what we did. Every now and then I’d pack to the brim a box full of DVD’s, books, food, tea and anything else he was missing from the land he once said sucked the happiness right from his very core. I guess you don’t realise how much you take things for granted until they’re not around anymore. It’s a good job that modern online courier services make flying the nest just that little more comforting, by providing us with a cheap way of ensuring we’ll never miss out on all those home comforts that can’t fly with us.

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